xxxxxxxxxxxA Father's Love


xxxxxMy earliest memory was at the kitchen table, in the morning, while I made Rice Krispies. I had to stand on the chair to pour the milk (partly missing the bowl) and when I sat back down, puddles of milk and cereal dotted the table from the overflow. Between mouthfuls, I blew on the scattered rice that looked like little boats sailing away. And with my finger, I connected the puddles, making rivers, and when the spilt milk was too thin to spread I'd spoon some extra from my bowl.
xxxxxOut of nowhere came Dad. At first, I thought, he was going to holler, but he grinned and lifted me high off the chair. "How's my little queenie," he said. He then carried me to the living room and sat me on his lap. He kissed my forehead, scratching my cheek with his face, and it tickled. But after awhile I wanted to get up. Daisy was crying in another room. He didn't seem to notice, and with his arms locked around me, he said, "Daddy's got to sleep."
xxxxxThere were many times he didn't come home at night and we were left alone. And every morning, before going downstairs, I'd peek in his room to see if there was a mountain in his bed. It wasn't a problem though, because I knew how to take care of Daisy.
xxxxxThen one night I woke up to a loud noise. At first I thought it was thunder. I curled up along the wall on the far side of the bed with a blanket nearly covering my head and waited for a flash of lightning. Instead another sound pounded the walls and shook the room. It came from under me somewhere. I jumped up and bolted to the window. That's when I saw the tops of two men throwing themselves against the back door. I got scared like never before. Shrieking out into the hall, I ran to Dad's room and threw myself into his half-opened bedroom door. I blinked once, twice, wishing what I saw away - the bed was flat.
xxxxxThe house shook again with a loud cracking noise. I rushed to Daisy's room, gathered her the best I could and dashed up the attic stairs.
xxxxxI stood on the top landing, stuck, afraid to move. Daisy whimpered and I covered her mouth with my hand. I couldn't hear any more thuds and for a second I thought everything was over. But heavy footsteps and gruff low voices echoed up the stairwell. They were in the house.
xxxxx"We're going to play Hide and Seek," I whispered to Daisy. She looked at me wide-eyed. My heart pounded but I knew I was good at this game, in fact I was the best - one time I hid in a wastepaper basket with sheets on top of me.
xxxxxThe attic was dark. Still I could tell from the outlines of things that on the other side of some boxes, two mattresses leaned against the wall. It was a perfect spot. I slid sideways between the cartons and jammed my shoulder into the middle seam. It separated. I held Daisy tight and I tucked in backwards, pushing as hard as I could with my feet until total blackness and padding wrapped around us. Once inside I let my body slide down to the floor. We crunched up and I put my finger to my mouth with a "sh."
xxxxxThey were on the second floor now. Something crashed. A few seconds later, footsteps, the loudest I ever heard, came up the attic stairs. It became very quiet and a flash of light sparked by the tiny opening we had just made.
xxxxx "Junk," a man said.
xxxxx"This whole place is junk. Let's get outta here," said another, and they charged back down. The attic door slammed.
xxxxxThe next thing I heard was Dad's voice screaming my name. A triangle of sunlight shined in between the mattresses. "Here we are!" I yelled. But my voice was swallowed up by the thick padded walls. I shoved Daisy in front of me, forcing her ahead. Dad called me again but he was sounding further away. Desperate he would leave, I pushed Daisy so hard she popped out and fell flattened on the attic floor. I clawed over her and sped down the stairs.
xxxxxWhen Dad saw me, he ran and scooped me up, lifting me as high as I had ever been. He spun me around so fast my legs flew behind me. I criss-crossed my arms around his neck and closed my eyes tight. "Where's Daisy?" he asked. But I wouldn't let go. He asked me again and we tore up to the attic.
xxxxx He carried us around all day. It was better than being on any ride, especially when we went up and down the stairs. I told him everything and he promised he would never leave us alone again. The police came with sirens. Dad told them we were all asleep when it happened. He told me he had to say that so he wouldn't go to jail. He also said I was very brave and the best daughter he could ask for.
xxxxx When they came over to fix the door, they put in a metal one with screws as long as my finger. Still, it didn't seem enough to stop someone from breaking in.
xxxxxAfter that Daisy and I went to sleep in his room and he slept on the couch - just in case. This went on for a while until Daisy wet the bed. Eventually, we ended up in our own rooms and things got back to normal.
xxxxxI helped around the house the best I could. He taught me how to scramble eggs and make toast and I learned to set the table and pour beer without spilling any. When he had his friends over to play cards, I'd make sure the bowls were filled with potato chips and I'd take away the empty bottles and get cold ones from the fridge. It was fun, especially when they'd wink at me and give me quarters.
xxxxxBack then I never mouthed off because I knew it was hard for him raising two girls. I tried to get excited with him about sports, but I wasn't very good at it. Once we went to a hockey game but Daisy threw up after she ate a hot dog. We even tried fishing down by the river, except Daisy would scream over the worms and get tangled up in the line. He didn't have the patience for our outings. Under his breath he'd swear. But they were just words and I got used to them.
xxxxxI don't remember us doing too much together except being together. Kids would talk about trips they'd be taking with their parents or going for rides in the country. We just stayed home. But that was fine for us. Soon I forgot about the robbery and stopped worrying that it would happen again. In a way I thought the whole thing was a blessing.
xxxxxThen one night for dinner Dad made us noodles with green specks in them. Daisy never liked her food to touch and she especially didn't like it all mixed up. But once in awhile he'd try something new.
xxxxxAt first, Daisy tried to scrape the flecks away with her fork but they wouldn't come off. Dad told her to cut it out but she didn't listen. Instead she started to pinch out the spots with her fingers. Her hands got all gummy and when she picked up her fork, it slipped to the floor. He yelled "Eat it!" but she shook her head and said, "No." He reached over to her plate and grabbed it and flung it against the wall. The dish shattered but the food stuck to the wall like a clump of dangling white worms and I laughed. "So you think this is funny!" he said. He snatched my plate and hurled it towards the sink. It cracked the kitchen window. He stood up, lifting the corners of the kitchen table. Glasses tipped and tumbled, spilling milk everywhere and silverware crashed to the floor. "Get out of here!" he roared.
xxxxxWe ran into the living room and that's when we heard it - "I'm leaving you kids," he said. "Tonight!"
xxxxxDaisy started to cry and asked if he was going away again. I told her no, that he was just talking.
xxxxxBut I said that to make her feel better.
xxxxxSuddenly he kicked open the kitchen door and ripped towards us, red-faced. "Didn't I tell you to get out!" Daisy gasped for air and I froze, not sure what to do, where to go. He lunged at us and twisting both our arms, he threw us towards the stairs. "Go to your rooms!" he said.
xxxxxI helped Daisy with her pajamas and told her everything would be alright in the morning. Then I went to my room and sat on the bed listening for sounds from downstairs. I couldn't hear anything so I crept into the hall. I still couldn't hear anything. Slowly I inched down, step by step, until the rush of running water became clear. I crouched down on a stair near the wall where he wouldn't be able to see, and listened to the clatter of dishes. After a while he came into the living room and turned on the TV. I slipped back to my room and before going to bed, I opened my window so I could hear if the car was being taken out of the garage. Then I got into bed and fell asleep.
xxxxxIn the middle of the night I woke up. Dad was in my bed with his arm around me. He told me how sorry he was for what happened earlier and that he loved me and he stroked my hair. I told him I loved him too. He stayed there for a long time, rubbing my leg and being close to me. I smelled beer on his breath. I fell back asleep and in the morning, he was gone.
xxxxxThe next day when I went downstairs, he and Daisy were talking and laughing. He kidded me about being a sleepy head and I sat down and had some toast. It was a spring morning. We finished breakfast, grabbed our lunches and headed out the door. He kissed Daisy and she skipped out in front of me. He then told me he acted silly the night before. I said it was okay.
xxxxxAs I left the kitchen, he slid his hand from my waist to my backside and gave me a pat. I turned around and looked at him - he had never done that before. He smiled. I waved good-bye.
xxxxxAfter that things changed between us. He would come to my room every so often and lie down beside me. It was usually after I was already asleep. When I was too young to realize, he made funny noises and would rock in the bed. It didn't bother me all that much, I suppose. Besides anything was better than to have him leave us.
xxxxxNow when I think back to when it started, it was more like a dream than anything else.